Many times I have questioned God about the many hopes and dreams that I had set for myself. I had hoped to be married with a daughter. I never aspired to be a single mother. I had dreamed of having enough money for all of my needs and wants in life. I never wanted to struggle financially. I had hoped that all of my siblings and parents would live long and healthy lives. I never wanted to bury a sister when she was only 28 years old. I wanted to be happily married only once and never have to be single again. I never wanted to be a part of an emotionally abusive and draining marriage and an even more detrimental divorce. Lastly,I wanted to be perfect in my own sight (no struggles, no disappointments, no demons,etc.). I never wanted to be plagued by-years long- personal demons that had been past to me in the form of a generational curse-depression, suicidal thoughts, no self-esteem, plenty of self-doubt, no self-awareness, addiction to love (even in the wrong places), etc. These are all plans that I had set for myself. And I never once, thought to stop and consult God on what He had planned for me. I never once stopped to think that the plans that I was hoping for and dreaming of would not come to past. So, when the setbacks and disappointments started happening, I got mad at God. I asked Him over and over again-Why me God? Why does so many crappy things happen to me? Why are you allowing me to hurt like this? How come you have not come to rescue me? I was so hurt by the blows that life had thrown at me. I felt myself going down so low, riddled with defeat, depression, despair, and absolute brokenness.
I wasn't hearing what God was trying to tell me because I was giving ear to what the enemy was saying. As I sank lower in depression, it became a struggle each day just to smile, just stay happy. I began to experience bad anxiety, just anticipating when the very next thing I had planned for my life would go wrong. I couldn't even enjoy the small pleasures of life anymore, during these times. I simply wanted to wallow in self-pity; because I wanted these things to change. After I had gotten even lower (especially during the time period when I became a single parent, and within the next 6 months having my sister unexpectedly pass), I remembered how my mother and grandmother kept me in church. I remembered how those "old saints' sang through the pain, and sought the purpose of it. I remembered how they would still praise and worship God "in the middle of it". I then realized that even when these people were at their very lowest, their very weakest, they still sung praises to God. They still found a reason to keep going, and to keep fighting. They still wore the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:11-24) and were still standing!
I then realized that very soldier (in Christ) could be me too! So, I picked myself up off the floor and I began to sing praises to God, worshipping Him for all He had done for me. I felt a shift within myself occur. I felt His comfort and peace surround me once again. I was filled with joy again! I felt....... Him once again! It then occurred to me that this very hurt was never meant to place me in darkness or bondage. I had done that to myself, and all by myself! I had done so by giving ear to what the enemy was whispering to me, rather than, just seeking God for guidance from the very beginning! And although, I never wanted any of the things that I previously mentioned to happen to me, they did happen for my own good. And I wouldn't change any of it, for any reason. I learned to see myself the way God sees me. I began to experience the stronger faith, maturity, and growth that He had intended for me to have. After I did so, the blessings seem to flow. I also came to realize that even though we would like to be spared from some and/or certain pain, hurts, etc.,the lesson and blessing that comes behind the pain and hurts were simply too important for our purpose, our life, etc. They were simply too important for us to miss. So on this very day, at this very time, as I continue to experience trials and tribulations in this life, I have made the decision to see them as stepping posts/stones to where God is leading me to. I now realize that all things really do work together for my good. I no longer choose to believe that they were placed in my path to simply hurt me. I have truly learned that there really is a purpose for my pain. "And we know that in
all things work together for good for them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose". (Romans 8:28)
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